© LOST & FOUND

Is this how it works? I just keep writing writing writing and eventually, I will find my own unique bankable voice?

Whatever that means. Am I supposed to have myself figured out before that? ‘Cause that could take a while.

And then I keep reading about creative, interesting people, who are also interesting to me. And I wonder: do I want it badly enough? ‘Cause that seems to be something they have in common, even though different things triggered it: they all want it. ‘It’. Do I want ‘it’? Maybe I don’t believe in my talent badly enough. Ironically, Jacques Brel said: ‘le talent, c’est avoir envie de réaliser un rêve.’ But are you supposed to know what that dream is?

But I know, I know I get so much energy from wanting to realize something.

I think I need some feedback from others. I can only go so far by myself. As a matter of fact, I can’t go anywhere by myself. Everything that ever inspired me to do anything, came from without, and found its way in. And that’s beautiful and beyond control.

Everyone, every single one of us who shares himself with others, whether it is by being a father or lover, by making a movie or a painting, wants feedback. Love. Approval? Wants to make people feel something. Wants to move. Share a piece of that eternal soul. And I am no different.

But people aren’t very communicative. I don’t know what to do, what I can do with my talents. I need others to help me with this.

It’s incredible how difficult letting go is. Letting go of what is (not) possible for you, letting go of the narrow future you think is possible for you. The degree of happiness. I lack confidence and I don’t want to lack it anymore. It doesn’t do me any good. I used to be afraid to no longer be insecure, afraid it would be replaced by arrogance and insensitivity. I know now this is not true. I know now that it is insecurity that can make you arrogant and insensitive. I know that insecurity can make you inaccessible, can stop every good thing that people feel about you from coming in. It can make you stop seeing yourself. The door is always wide open, however, for the bad things. Insecurity blocks out the good but invites the bad in as if it were a long lost friend.

It makes me sad, when I see someone’s beauty and I try to make him feel this beauty and he immediately dismisses it as untrue or ridiculous. That way he stops me from trying to make him feel how much his beauty moves me. I want to do everything possible to not be like that. Insecurity means you cannot be touched by your own beauty. What a waste.

But, o wonder, even through insecurity, love manages to find a way. It finds a crack in that closed door. Magic.